As many of you know my life is an open book. My first essay published was for all intents and purposes a confession of my shame and regret during a near death experience that changed me forever. Simply, that experience reminded me who my Angels were and allowed me to revisit my past to recognize the real heroes.
I never expected to uncork deeper truths or had buried. I never expected I would be brave enough to share my scorching nightmares with anyone, let alone the amazing readers of OPen Thought Vortex along with numerous publications within the writing community.
During those early stages of OTV while I was still On The Verge, I wrote a poem. A poem I wasn’t brave enough to publish with anyone other than Raymond Baxter.
I couldn’t burn. I would have been reduced to ashes. He took the heat, relieving the pressure.
Hell: A Journey into the Inferno, wasn’t written at my darkest hour …however it looms ever present in my life. Publishing it meant freedom for me in that afterwards I felt a weight had lifted. I no longer had to hide the battles Being fought.
Addiction is a terrorist. Whether you’re the addict or you love an addict, guilt and judgment are added to your baggage along with stigma. It’s that complicated.
It is not so easy to get out of the kitchen if you can’t stand the heat.
Thankfully, Raymond understood the importance of my need to share something personal while giving my self space from it. His choice to publish it provided me a measure of privacy from what I felt a burn to write. I published it while feeling deeply fearful of seeing that truth on the page.
I knew I was safe with Raymond. I knew he would hear me, shelter me, tend to my needs by simply listening. He sheltered me from the fire burning within me.
I hope you’ll think about addiction. I hope that my story helps someone feel less damaged and more importantly assured that they are not alone.
I’ve stepped back from the page inhabiting the role of Publisher in order to support our team columnists, editors and guests as laid out in OTV’s mission statement. Now I thank you for a wonderful year so far. Through the pain and heartbreak I have hit the Apex of the mountain. I am exactly where I need to be.
Originally published on TheRelationshipBlogger.com
I wish I could make it all
The commotion chaos clicking
culmination of crisis.
It’s a living breathing monster
using you as the host. Possession.
Addiction is a live thing.
It breathes through you,
survives through you
like a parasite.
It takes everything from you
then eats away
at those that love you.
No longer a choice
the chemical romance in your temporal lobes
can’t function. You fed the beast
& now you’re the incarnation
of that ghastly cancer.
I couldn’t make it stop alone.
I had to get help.
I wanted help.
My bottom wasn’t a free fall.
My survival instinct kicked in
long before I was overcome but
Not many are like me.
The truth is I have never met anyone
who came out ahead without help.
How do you save a life? Better question
how do you stop minimizing? How do you stop
Addiction never goes away.
Once you have traveled
to that level of Hell
you are marked for life.