HELL: A Journey Into The Inferno of Addiction and Recovery

As many of you know my life is an open book. My first essay published was for all intents and purposes a confession of my shame and regret during a near death experience that changed me forever. Simply, that experience reminded me who my Angels were and allowed me to  revisit my past to recognize the real heroes.

I never expected to uncork deeper truths or had buried. I never expected I would be brave enough to share my scorching nightmares with anyone, let alone the amazing readers of OPen Thought Vortex  along with numerous publications within the writing community.

During those early stages of OTV while I was still On The Verge, I wrote a poem.   A poem I wasn’t brave enough to publish with anyone other than Raymond Baxter.

I couldn’t burn. I would have been reduced to ashes. He took the heat, relieving the pressure.

Hell: A Journey into the Inferno, wasn’t written at my darkest hour …however it looms ever present in my life. Publishing it meant freedom for me in that afterwards I felt a weight had lifted. I no longer had to hide the battles Being fought.

Addiction is a terrorist. Whether you’re the addict or you love an addict, guilt and judgment are added to your baggage along with stigma. It’s that complicated.

It is not so easy to get out of the kitchen if you can’t stand the heat.

Thankfully, Raymond understood the importance of my need to share something personal while giving my self space from it. His choice to publish it provided me a measure of privacy from what I felt a burn to write. I published it while feeling deeply fearful of seeing that truth on the page.

I knew I was safe with Raymond. I knew he would hear me, shelter me, tend to my needs by simply listening. He sheltered me from the fire burning within me.

I hope you’ll think about addiction.  I hope that my story helps someone feel less damaged and more importantly assured that they are not alone. 

I’ve stepped back from the page inhabiting the role of Publisher in order to support our team columnists, editors and guests as laid out in OTV’s mission statement.   Now I thank you for a wonderful year so far. Through the pain and heartbreak I have hit the Apex of the mountain. I am exactly where I need to be.

Originally published on TheRelationshipBlogger.com


I wish I could make it all
The commotion chaos clicking
culmination of crisis.
It’s a living breathing monster
using you as the host. Possession.

Addiction is a live thing.
It breathes through you,
survives through you
draining you
like a parasite.

It takes everything from you
then eats away
at those that love you.

No longer a choice
the chemical romance in your temporal lobes
can’t function. You fed the beast
& now you’re the incarnation
of that ghastly cancer.

I couldn’t make it stop alone.
I had to get help.
I wanted help.
My bottom wasn’t a free fall.

My survival instinct kicked in
long before I was overcome but
Not many are like me.
The truth is I have never met anyone
who came out ahead without help.

How do you save a life? Better question
how do you stop minimizing? How do you stop
projecting things?

Addiction never goes away.

Once you have traveled
to that level of Hell
you are marked for life.

38 thoughts on “HELL: A Journey Into The Inferno of Addiction and Recovery

  1. So true. You can never undo the past, it is always there, and you can only try to stay in front. Mostly, though, it is just yourself you are running from. This was a great post. If people would read and understand the message it could make a real difference.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Addiction is like that guy offering you that perfect job,
    like that flawless vacation that left you stranded,
    like that first date that turned into marriage hell,
    like that first time you looked in the mirror – and saw nothing.

    There is but a short space between the priceless and hell.
    Perfection, and utter meaningless hopeless loss.
    Between remembering to breath – and holding one’s breath.
    If it makes you breathless, beware…. be very aware, and beware.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Perfect.
    I am a transplant and a person that cancer inhabits.
    The road of dialysis is a hell,,,,not knowing if and when you will receive an organ.I am free now.
    Just the other creeping monster that invades and retreats.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Holy shit. Yes to this. I don’t know how I didn’t come across your writing earlier. Sorry for the profanity but, I got so excited reading your work that by the time I read the word ‘addiction’, I could’ve died-figuratively. I see so many parallels between our writing, especially the things we are ashamed of or afraid of. A big portion of this book I am writing is about healing and forgiveness, but an even greater portion of it is being able to move past addiction and to take back your life. Thank you for your words, and for your insight. I will definitely be going back and reading your posts.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you . I have many voices and as I write you see that as the Publisher I often hold back my own writing so my team can be my voice . I have several pieces I have yet to promote on OTV because I only write when I’m compelled to. When I returned to the page I had to have a mission. I had a readership established but held back . The cussing ? Lol. Read my bio & confessions let’s just say I can creatively hand someone their ass if needed. Your book sounds very interesting. I’m excited to help any author when I can. We are starting a book promo launch in September. I hope your book can be one of the

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Ahh! Lol, yes I actually have a novel that is nearly complete that I’ve been working on for quite some time. It’s called “The Corruption Of Charlie Cutler” it’s about the things we allow ourselves to do to escape the pain of the moment, the monotony of life, and the lies we tell ourselves to keep racing towards a bottom we never knew existed. Your comment reignited in me the giddy excitement that got me writing in the firs place. I also hope my book or books can be one of them. I’m working tirelessly to get “the corruption..” finished by this end of this week.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Take your time . You can’t rush a great piece of work . Let it flow without force it will feel forced . I can tell by your writing that you write from the heart . Don’t let that fade . I’m happy you feel prompted to write . That is what I love to hear . You write , I will read .

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Check out FeminineCollective.com & TheGoodMenProject.com

        I love these publications because they keep it very real. Authors , Editors & Columnists are not only my friends they are colleagues–plus FeminineCollective is a great source for a publisher when the time comes . Rachel Thompson is also AMAZING. Submit to OTV. I have the fortune of having an exceptional editor. She’s brilliant , intuitive and has an instinct unlike anyone else.

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Thank you so much, I’m about to do that right now, I’ve been editing some of my short story tie in’s to add to my book. I’m adding them right now then going back to read more of your work

        Liked by 1 person

      5. I pasted the link into my address bar and Feminine collective doesn’t seem to be hosted on wordpress so I can’t follow them through there. Would you advise me to contact them directly? Same goes for the good men project.. sorry still new to wordpress, showing my ignorance here. Lol


      6. Thank you so much for putting me on to Dori Owen, I just started reading her work and life is so funny. I met a healer once who changed my life, her name is Anita Owens, she lives in Senora(?) Az. I wonde if they ever met, that woman changed my life. Your work has been extremely rewarding for me to read also. I would be honored to write submissions to your magazine.

        Liked by 1 person

      7. That’s great ! Don’t stop there . Check out our special guests , all our regulars & authors ! Every member of our team is important to me . Check out my letters from publisher and you’ll see me reference many authors I believe you would connect to . We re skinned OTV and are still rearranging . Stay connected . Shoot me an email it’s in my bio . Submit using the instructions on Submission page to my Editor-In-Chief also in submissions . I’m excited you love OTV. We are proud of our content . If you use Twitter you should follow @ShareenM & @OTVMagazine . Check out my my July letter from publisher . Exciting stuff there .


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