Thursday Night, many of us tuned in LIVE to see the Rocky Horror Picture Show, but we gotta rewind to three nights ago, when we tuned in LIVE to see the Rocky Future Horror Show. YES, the third and FINAL Presidential debate, live from Las Vegas, where only the classiest mistakes happen!
The last debate, I’m sad to say, was less of a shit-show than the rest. In fact, next to the VP debate, it was the second-most boring debate of this election season! Chris Wallace kept the audience quiet, the “surprise guests” from the Trump camp were a veritable “Who’s Who” of “No, really, who?” and someone must’ve dosed him with some extra-strength Mucinex D because there was BARELY any sniffling (well, of the literal kind. Proverbial “sniffling,” that’s a different story).
But what were we talking about? Ah yes, mistakes. For today’s recap, I just want to walk you through Trump’s seven big mistakes at the final Presidential debate, in escalating order of holy-shit-you-just-messed-up-ness:
7. The “Inner City = Race” Dog Whistle:
TRUMP: Our inner cities are a disaster. You get shot walking to the store. They have no education. They have no jobs. I will do more for African-Americans and Latinos than she can ever do in 10 lifetimes.
Despite the fact that Trump has been criticized in the past for conflating “inner cities” with “African-Americans,” he just keeps on blowing that racist dog whistle. Next he’ll bring up “tough on crime” and “broken windows,” right? This from a guy who commended Stop & Frisk as a policy that got “results.” At this point, it could not be more crystal clear: Donald Trump wants to improve inner cities by unduly harassing and over-policing minorities. Oh, and in the process, he wants to call African-Americans and Latinos out for being uneducated and unemployed. Okay, that’s pretty f’ed up. But I promise you, it gets worse:
6. Snatch & Dodge
TRUMP: Nobody has more respect for women than I do. Nobody.
Nobody has more respect…
WALLACE: Please, everybody.
TRUMP: And frankly, those stories have been largely debunked. And I really want to just talk about something slightly different. She mentions this, which is all fiction, all fictionalized, probably or possibly started by her and her very sleazy campaign. But I will tell you what isn’t fictionalized are her e-mails, where she destroyed 33,000 e-mails criminally, criminally, after getting a subpoena from the United States Congress.
Chris Wallace once again offered Trump an opportunity to apologize to the nation for the Trump Tapes, and Trump absolutely failed to apologize…. for anything, honestly. He began by emphasizing that he didn’t even feel the need to apologize to his wife, who he then waved to in the crowd (I’m sure Melania was thrilled at being pointed out as the woman who receives no apologies). A not at all recalcitrant Trump went on to deftly change the subject by announcing, “I just want to talk about something else.” And we all laughed because, come on, that’s not even TRYING, dude. Meanwhile in the audience, Melania just sinks into her seat like:
Pence, Ivanka, everyone on the Trump camp has been trying to mitigate their candidate’s horrific remarks about voter fraud and poll policing. Um. Yeah. No dice. This guy is just outright begging for violence. It’s chilling.
4. Four More Years of Obama
TRUMP: We cannot take four more years of Barack Obama, and that’s what you get when you get her.
It is so painfully obvious that Trump hates facts. In a recent Fox News poll — FOX NEWS, FFS — Obama’s approval rating is at 52%. You can only imagine how high it is everywhere else! So, needless to say, four more years of Obama is exactly what people want. We love the Obamas! Whether they’re joyriding with Jerry Seinfeld or shopping for boxed wine with Ellen Degeneres, the Obamas are America’s favorite scandal-free first family. Holy shit, even their dogs are adorable! Obama has been outspoken about health care, trans rights, gay marriage, feminism, and oh yeah he fixed the economy! If Hillary could promise us four more years of Obama, we’d elect her right now.
3. “My Turn”
Wow. Wow. I don’t even have words to explain how condescending, dismissive, disrespectful, heinous, vitriolic, and revolting this moment was. Except to say that the ONLY person who can pull off the phrase “My Turn” is Mama Rose. That’s all.
2. “Bad Hombres”
1. “Nasty Woman”
Why was this Trump’s BIGGEST mistake of the night?
Hillary has come under fire for a lot of things during this campaign, but there’s one thing that we must all agree that she excels at: taking DJT’s idiotic utterances and spinning them into brilliant viral campaigns. Picture if you will, the scene at HRC HQ when Donald gave utterance to the four words that will doubtless become the tagline to the final weeks of Hillary’s candidacy. Do you think there was champagne? Unironic high-fiving? I’m imagining confetti and noisemakers rivaling a New Year’s Eve party.
With the throwaway comment, “such a nasty woman,” Donald Trump probably convinced the final females wearing “MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN” caps to start Google searching where to buy “NASTY WOMAN” branded merchandise (here, by the way). Heretofore, the Trump camp has been pretty good at keeping a lid on Donald’s boiling pot of misogyny thanks to his daughter Ivanka and campaign manager Kellyanne Conway. However, this outburst may be the nail in the coffin that the Hillary campaign has been searching for. Clinton has stood smiling on the debate stage three times now while Donald’s personal attacks and threats have bounced off her like the proverbial “rubber,” and now they will stick to him “like glue.” For a man who loves to dish it out, he sure can’t take it — a light joke over Social Security, of all things! Talk about a fragile “temperament,” dude.