I don’t think anyone could debate me when I say that Donald Trump’s performance at Monday’s debate was… a hot mess? Are the kids still saying “hot mess?” I hope so, because that’s what he was. He bragged about not paying his taxes, whined that American airports are not as nice as the airports in the Middle East, shrugged off the housing crisis and economic recession as “That’s Business,” seemed bizarrely fixated on “the Chinese,” and sniffed so many times you might think maybe HE’S come down with pneumonia. He later blamed his poor performance on issues with his microphone. COME ON, DONALD. It’s a political debate, not a dizzy bat race. I could go on. I could go on! But I won’t.
Because we’re here on Femnasty, I’ll just zero in on the ways The Donald insulted women on that stage. Shall we call it the Top Five Idiotic Things Trump Said To/About Women At The Debate? Sure. Yeah. Okay.
Used “Secretary of State” as an insult against the Secretary of State:
“Now, in all fairness to Secretary Clinton — yes, is that OK? Good. I want you to be very happy. It’s very important to me.”
Wow, sarcasm? That’s UNSURPRISING. No, it’s not! I was being sarcastic! We barely started the debate, and already Trump can’t stick to answering questions and has to resort to petty intimidation tactics. For her part, Secretary Clinton silently nodded in the middle of that exchange, prompting him to say, “Good, I want you to be happy,” like you would say to your dog after he gobbles up his own vomit faster than you can clean it up: “Oh, are you happy now, Charlie? Good. I want you to be happy.” I’ll let you savor that image. Moving on!
Took A Break From This Message To Remind You That He Hates Rosie O’Donnell:
“…somebody who’s been very vicious to me, Rosie O’Donnell, I said very tough things to her, and I think everybody would agree that she deserves it and nobody feels sorry for her.”
Yes, I suppose The Donald was in the middle of trying to make a point, when he suddenly remembered the existence of Rosie O’Donnell, and had to take a swipe at her. Hey friends, if you had “Rosie O’Donnell” on your Debate Bingo card, I hope you won something really nice, like an at-home electronic foot bath and spa! What was going through his orange sniffly head?
Forgot To Make Former Miss Universe Alicia Machado “Disappear” If You Know What I Mean:
CLINTON: And one of the worst things he said was about a woman in a beauty contest. He loves beauty contests, supporting them and hanging around them. And he called this woman “Miss Piggy.” Then he called her “Miss Housekeeping,” because she was Latina. Donald, she has a name.
TRUMP: Where did you find this? Where did you find this?
CLINTON: Her name is Alicia Machado.
TRUMP: Where did you find this?
On the cyber, Donald. Ask your ten-year-old son about it, sometime. See, Trump became visibly shaken and agitated at the mention of Machado’s name, as if he’d sent some soft-hearted woodsman to take her into the forest and do away with her, like the Evil Queen tried to murder Snow White, and he just found out that she was still alive…
Anyone with a cyber can log onto YouTube and see Machado talking to Inside Edition back in May!
Interrupted Secretary Clinton Countless Times, And We All Saw It.
Some sources reported 28 interruptions, others up to 51, but at least people were counting.
Complained that Clinton’s Ads Were “Mean:”
TRUMP: But you want to know the truth? I was going to say something…
HOLT: Please very quickly.
TRUMP: … extremely rough to Hillary, to her family, and I said to myself, “I can’t do it. I just can’t do it. It’s inappropriate. It’s not nice.” But she spent hundreds of millions of dollars on negative ads on me, many of which are absolutely untrue. They’re untrue. And they’re misrepresentations. And I will tell you this, Lester: It’s not nice. And I don’t deserve that. But it’s certainly not a nice thing that she’s done. It’s hundreds of millions of ads.
How many ads? “Hundreds of millions” seems like hyperbole, but let’s leave that one to the fact-checkers. Assuming that Donald hasn’t actually been “rough to Hillary”
Not rough! Who even knows what this means, anyway? So, while he’s being not rough on Crooked Hillary I mean WHAT? Who said that? Oh, he did? In every other tweet on is Twitter account? Okay. While we’re being “not rough,” let’s watch these ads, the ones where Hillary says such terrible things about you:
Okay, Donald. Can I call you Donald? Yes? Good, I want you to be happy. Maybe you’d prefer, “Former Host of The ApprenticeDonald Trump”? No? Okay.
Donald, you really need that 10-year-old son of yours to sit you down and teach you about the Internet. See, the Internet never forgets. There’s a record of everything you’ve ever done, all on the Internet. Hurts, donut? And what’s even more incredible is that you aren’t even trying to destroy the evidence of all the stupid shit you’ve done on the Internet. It really takes the Internet browsing & video editing skill of a ten-year-old with access to “cyber” to put together these clips of all the nasty shit you’ve said and done over your illustrious career in asshattery.
And I think that’s the nail in the coffin. Guys, not only is Trump so dumb that he can’t form coherent sentences or bother to prepare for a PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE, he’s too dumb to delete his incriminating tweets. This guy wants to be the leader of the free world, and he’s not even smart enough to manage his own Twitter account. Y’all, that’s the last straw. I mean, we’ve all drunkenly typed our ex’s name into our Facebook status instead of into the search bar, but we were smart enough to delete it once we realized the mistake! Trump isn’t even that smart. He just isn’t. He simply cannot be permitted to control the “Nukes Button” if he can’t first master the “delete button.” Guys. Really.
BONUS!!! At The End Of ALL THAT, Donald Threw A Tantrum And Insisted That He Has A Superior “Temperament:”
TEMPERAMENT. TEMPERAMENT. Like you know when you’re picking out a greyhound from an animal shelter and you say you want one with a “good temperament”? Oh my gosh. It’s come to this.
Maybe he’s confused? Maybe he thinks “temperament” is a noun, a synonym for “combover,” in which case YES, Donald, you definitely have a combover, and Secretary Clinton does not. You win the “combover” portion of the debate. However, a debate is not like one of your beauty contests: there is no “Combover Competition,” no “Excuses-Making” portion, and you don’t rack up points for arguing with the judges. I don’t think it’s even up for debate. The woman-“hater” is the “loser” of this debate.
this post originally appeared on Femnasty
Meghan Sara has written obnoxiously opinionated pieces for Queenthings, Femnasty, xoJane, and BUST. Meghan has spent the past seven years of her life blogging incessantly at meghansara.com, and the last five years of her life telling ghost stories on the streets of Manhattan with Ghosts, Murders and Mayhem Walking Tours. Fervent feminist, outspoken opinionist, and not half-bad taco chef, Meghan dotes over her garden of homebred succulents by day and hasn’t met a sangria she didn’t like by night. When Meghan isn’t oversharing her opinions on Twitter, she’s at Burning Man. When she isn’t at Burning Man, she’s wishing she was.