I was a zombie, everything from the pale skin, foul breath, crazy hair (not sure that has changed much today), and the slurred, muffled sounds. The vacant look behind my eyes is all gone now, thanks to you! I am alive, hear me? I AM ALIVE!
I woke up, after 10 am, still exhausted, yet feeling much better. Functioning on no sleep, non-stop pain, anxiety and completely out of fuel. Thanking you for this act of kindness is a long time coming. At times you have felt unappreciated, busted, bruised and dismissed. Instead of just thanking you for the great job you do every morning getting kids ready, even when I am awake you have that down to a science. You do a great many things I can’t possibly thank you for all of them. I love you more for taking care of them than anything you could do for me. You do so much for me, for them. These things are not small.
Because I know that I feel overwhelmed and under appreciated by them and you at times, I wanted to thank you for all those you do out of pure thoughtfulness, love, respect and defining what a good man, father and husband you are. I noticed you bought Boomer dog food. You know how important he is, how much I rely on him for relief and comfort. You also fed him, watered him and left his door upstairs open so he could be with me. You knew it would give us both anxiety if he were left out of our bedroom. You anticipated I might wake up if he woke up hungry or needing food. You got it, he is a communicator. At some point, likely around noon he would have gently woke me, lured me to his food and then I would not have gone back to bed.
Thank you for keeping Alex from being afraid to go to bathroom by himself this morning. When he woke up, he said “Mommy, I don’t want to go by myself, I’m scared!” As he rubbed his eyes and shook off his nightmare, you were there. Behind him, encouraging him. I heard you say “Mommy will be here all day! She is sick, let her sleep. I’m right behind you. See, she’s right there in bed!” You left the door open because you knew that if I didn’t hear, even while drowsy, their voices (or feel their mood) I would not sleep at all. When he said “Mommy!” desperately the second time and I lifted my heavy head, only weighed down more by my guilty and anxiety-ridden heart for being chronically ill–and even worse, I sometimes can’t get up to see them off to school– you let me have my preciously needed moments of reassurance. I asked him to come into bed, hugged him and told him I was there, making it clear that he was safer with you if he was afraid of the dark. I reminded him that I would get up if he needed me but I was sick. You let me get that hug. I needed it. I never would have gone back to bed if you hadn’t come in, scooped him up, echoing me. You had my back.
It didn’t go un-noticed that you brought me my phone, put it in our bed. Nor did I not see that you had filled my cup with Gatorade in case I woke up with Charlie horses and body cramps. I heard you reassure Andrew that I was not returning work. You told him, “Mom is working from home. She is a mom, wife and a writer. Let us let her sleep. She’s probably dreaming of you.”
I was. I woke up proud that you know me so well, and him. You recorded a journalistic, investigative series on Fusion TV about ” MoJang” and “MineCraft”. You did this because you knew how important it is to me to fire up his mind. You saw that I needed him to be better informed and that, before making remarks or commenting, he should have a lot of time invested in his statements. You are teaching him to be thorough, to ask questions, look for the story, as much evidence as he can find to see the full picture before having a solid stance. You did more than have my back, you displayed your true self.
Without, question you’ve done things you wish you hadn’t. Regretful, bitter and depressed at times. Made choices non one could make easily. Yet, you don’t falter. Maybe you hesitate, hold back a little, but solely because you care about others genuinely. You, dear husband, you are merciful, unabashedly loyal and willing to try to understand and adapt. Not a #MotherDick or an everyday douchebag.
Although we have have faced the heat, you always do what needs to be done. I say this to you because, as my husband, are also my best friend and support others each time you support me. Husband, you make mistakes, you hurt me and I know I am a fierce fighter, more gamey than you while you are more laid back, bottling emotions up so you come out strong and keep the tempo once engaged. But my point is because of you I can foster my friends, be there for them, go see them, spend time and plan for trips to see them, always knowing you have my hand.
Furthermore, dear husband, you let me spoil my nieces and nephew often, with genuine grace, and generosity. You want to help my family, and you relate to my sister. Regard her the way I should have always done. Your eyes, expression and integrity focused my truth so I saw the prized , expertly choreographed , beauty in which she loves and forgets. Never an everyday douchebag but an uncommonly exceptional friend, husband, father, lover, brother and partner.