Love Languages? Screw It.

Youse all know about Love Languages, right?

According to Wikipedia, The Five Love Languages is a book by Gary Chapman, outlining the five universal ways that people give and receive love in romantic relationships.

According to Oprah Winfrey’s wardrobe stylist, The Five Love Languages will change your life.

oprah's wardrobe stylist

When I first heard “love languages” I was like, now you’re speaking my language. Helpless romantic, party of moi! Hobbies include watching reruns of Say Yes to the Dress, making Pinterest boards of engagement rings, and sneaking off to Barnes & Noble’s magazine section to pour over a stack of Brides, Martha Stewart Weddings, and The Knot. I fixated on this notion of being an “expert” at the language of love, true love!

What would my love language be? Whispering sweet nothings by moonlight? Holding hands on a porch swing? I’m so romantically inclined, I wouldn’t be surprised if I was fluent in all the Love Languages!

So I thought about it.

And as it turns out, my love language is… screwing.

But not, like, the sexy kind of screwing.


I mean like, literally, tightening the screws around the house. On door handles, loose hinges, even the toilet seat. Screwing things in. Making tiny repairs. Tidying up. I’m Dobby, the house elf.


Apparently, I express my love through “Acts of Service.” Blleeeeaaaagggghhhhh. BORING! What about TOUCH? WORDS OF AFFIRMATION? Not even QUALITY TIME? Nope, it turns out my devotion only shows when I’m doing something horribly boring and embarrassingly unglamorous. Like carefully packing your comics collection in plastic trash bags to prepare for bedbug fumigation. Mmm. That’s hot. NOT!

And I don’t even think I’m doing “Acts of Service” correctly. In a perfect world, you’d imagine Acts of Service being the humble tasks that ask for no thanks or recognition. But noooooo —— Heaven forfend my Acts of Service go unnoticed! Out of the blue, Sunday morning, you’ll hear me pipe up like this:


“Huh? Yeah?”

“Did you notice anything…. different about the door handle from last Wednesday onwards?”


“Like, did it seem, like, less jiggly to you?”



“…you tightened the screws, didn’t you?”

🎶 You’re wel-come! 🎶


Damn, do I wish the screwing was sexier. Really! I wish my love language was something romantic, some, like, grand gesture. I wish I didn’t feel the tender pangs I feel when I’m folding my lover’s shirts fresh from the laundry. I disgust myself when I act like a gross 1950’s Stepford Wives helpmeet. I wish I didn’t reflexively enjoy buying groceries for the people I love, cleaning out their fridge at college (true story, NEVER AGAIN), or tightening the screws on the toilet seat. That’s just how I am. 

But why does it have to be called “Acts of Service” ?  It sounds so…servile! I prefer to think of it as “Acts of Tiny Banal Everyday Heroism!” Imagine me in a mask and cape, my paramour fainting into my arms. “I noticed we were running low on Pepto Bismol,” I whisper into his swooning ear, snatching ahold of the chandelier above our heads, “so I picked some up at Rite Aid  when it was on saaaaaaaaale!” We swing over the fracas below and out the open window, landing safely on the back of my trusty steed, and gallop off into the moonlight!

You wanna judge me for being that chick who”takes care of her man”?! Screw that! My Acts of Service are my Power! Were it not for my Acts of Service, our life (mostly our apartment) would fall apart, one loose hinge at a time. And most importantly, my screwing is what keeps you from sliding around all “Virtual Insanity”-like when you plunk down to drop a deuce!

So you know what? If you scoff at my Acts of Service, you can screw yourself. Literally and figuratively.

9 thoughts on “Love Languages? Screw It.

  1. I read that book a long time ago, but if I recall correctly, I think what it means is that’s what you appreciate seeing from another person toward you…how you feel loved. If you got acts of service, it would mean that you feel loved when someone does things for you, or takes care of things around the house, or does any kind of service related thing to or for you. I don’t believe it was what YOU must do. Like I said, it was a long time ago, but I believe that was the premise, and that each person feels loved by one or a combo of those five general categories. You would need to figure out how your partner feels loved to know the best one of those be be DOING yourself.


      1. Yes, it does. It just sounded like what you were describing was your receiving end. I would think that the other person would need to take the quiz for you to know what your giving end needs to look like. Perhaps I read it wrong or too fast. That’s just what it seemed.


  2. This made me laugh and laugh and laugh! Your sardonic take on this made my day. My husband and I recently read the book only to discover that we speak completely different love languages. He is an act of service kind of guy himself. Maybe for Valentine’s Day I should pull out that screw driver and tighten some door knobs. . .


  3. This is just hilarious! I read the book, took the quiz., and even went to a workshop. We had to get in little groups based on our “type.” I like physical touch, but I looked around that group and thought, “I don’t want to hug all of you people…I want to hug my special someone:-)” Enjoyed your article! Good stuff…


  4. Great article. Found that my husband does acts of service too. But, I on the other hand, love quality time and love notes. I didn’t quite appreciate it when he thought organizing my wallet or cleaning out my glove box was to be admired. No…I know where all “my junk” is..even in the disorderly state. He travels outside of the state for work and wasn’t here for Valentines Day. And since one of his other added qualities is procrastination, he didn’t get around to putting anything in the mail. But he did buy a Valentines card and write in it and then took a picture of it plus a snapshot of a dozen roses and texted it to me. I KNEW this was a HUGE act of love and it made me smile. He not only did that for me, but for his 2 daughters, as well. He said it took him 2 hours. Lol. Guess that’s the way he feels when I gas up the car and get it washed.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s