By Robert “The Hook” Hookey (TW)
Okay, so I recognize there are two glaring issues with this post right off the bat:
One, the holiday season has passed. (Though my neighbor still has his lights up. Then again, he never takes them down.)
Also, there are no circumstances under which I qualify as a grown-up.
Nevertheless, I am going to proceed. I hope you’ll join me; if not, good day to you all.
Still here? Great. Then we’ll begin.
It’s been said that the hardest thing about this world is living in it, but personally I’ve never had a problem with that truth. Anything worth having comes with some kind of fight and life is the ultimate battle. It can be bloody, prolonged (if you’re lucky), heartbreaking at times, but ultimately life is the greatest gift anyone can hope to receive. This world we all share could use a little sprucing up, however.
It’s time for a global rebirth.
And it all begins with us, folks. Never mind teaching the children well because they are the future; the world is burning now, we’d better get on that today. In this spirit, here are a few of the things I wish some All-Mighty Deity (I don’t care which one it is, they’re all good) would grant me:
ONE) The ability to be a friend to everyone who wants one.
No, I’m not suggesting someone should perfect human cloning. (My wife has enough trouble with one Hook, never mind several.) But here’s the thing…
I’ve lost two colleagues in six months to depression and hopelessness.
Having stood at the edge of the abyss myself, I would never, ever judge these souls for making a decision to leave the world and its challenges behind. As a teenager living in Niagara Falls I literally stood at the brink of the falls themselves and contemplated giving myself over to their relenting, pain-dissolving power. To this day, I cannot tell you just why I didn’t do it, though I’m certainly glad I walked away eventually.
One thing I do know about suicide is this: at its root suicide is often about loneliness and isolation. I firmly believe that anyone who is not struggling with mental illness and who has a true connection to another human being will never opt for the abyss over existence. An exception applies to those facing a terminal illness; such individuals should be allowed to end their lives with dignity. Of course, in my case the irony would be inescapable; I’ve never lived my life with dignity so ending it with some would be just too weird.
TWO) An end to all global conflict.
Of course, this undoubtedly would mean the planet would void of all human beings.
But so what? We’ve had our time and we’ve mucked it up royally. In all of human history, we still haven’t grasped one simple irrefutable truth: the well-being of planet Earth (which some scientists contend is on its last legs) depends on mankind’s ability to function as a single unit with a common goal.
Anyhow, the animals have suffered enough I’d say; time to give them a shot at running things. They certainly can’t do any worse, right?
Bet you’re wondering about the domesticated animals, aren’t you? The pets we coddle, feed, dress-up like Star Wars characters and generally treat like toddlers with tails, copious amounts of body hair and really bad breath. Well, as was apparent in New Orleans during Hurricane Katrina, those pets will turn feral within two weeks (faster if you expose them to anything featuring a Kardashian) and will therefore be able to fend for themselves. Except for the small dogs. They’d pretty much be screwed, but that’s how nature intended it and I know better than to question nature’s master plan.
THREE) A foolproof B.S. Filter.
I don’t know about you, but I think we’ve heard more than enough from the internet trolls, the Kardashians, Kanye, anyone with the last name Trump and especially Lena Dunham. There are literally billions of people out there with worthwhile opinions and plans worth listening to. I wish they’d be given a platform.
Oh wait, that’s what the internet is supposed to be for, isn’t it? Now we have to convince these folks it’s worth their time to log on. We need to stop wasting half the day tweeting (even though I love it) and watching cat videos. The internet could be mankind’s salvation if we used it to pay attention to each other instead of bat-crap crazy celebrities and political leaders.
FOUR) No more selfies.
Yes, I’m still stuck on the internet. (In my defense, there’s a lot of glucose on my keyboard.) At any rate, selfies, especially those of the post-coital nature, have made an entire generation slaves to vanity. We’re obsessed with our own self-image, which is bad enough, but what about those of us who don’t feel the same? We’ve developed an unhealthy need to conform to a societal standard of beauty.
As the father of a teenage girl who doesn’t consider herself one of “the pretty people”, I’m sick of watching people turn to diets, surgery, pills and other forms of self-engineering in a misguided bid to look like a so-called perfect human.
The next time you whip that phone out, try taking pictures of a tree, a stream or some mountains. Those things are as God intended them to be. Just like you.
FIVE) Whatever your heart desires.
Four wishes are more than a forty-something, Canadian bellman deserves so you should take one for yourself. I know you’ll do something wonderful with it. Something that will shake the pillars of Heaven. (Though the way I hear it, God used scab labor to build Heaven, so those pillars are weak to begin with. But I digress.)
I truly hope you receive an opportunity to remake the world for the better. (There are enough folks doing the exact opposite.) Here’s hoping this year truly is a new one.
See you in the lobby, friends…
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