INFIDELITY (n) – “The action or state of being unfaithful to a spouse or other sexual partner.”
synonyms: unfaithfulness, adultery, disloyalty, deceit, falseness, affair, cheating.
Infidelity….it’s real and is sadly the reality of a lot of men and women. I never thought that I would experience it, but I thought then that IF I did, I would most certainly not tolerate it and would leave.
Well, that wasn’t the case when I found out, about a week before my wedding day, that the love of my life cheated on me.
I guess, looking at it from the outside, my situation wasn’t the worst of them all. He cheated on me years ago, while we were in a long distance relationship, and there was no emotional attachment with the other woman. However, this does NOT negate the hurt and the brokenness I felt and still feel to this very day.
I am choosing to write about this subject with the desire of gaining some sort of relief and maybe healing in my part. Additionally, to bring some aid and hope to those who may be going through a similar situation.
I vividly remember the moment when I found out. My husband-to-be was grabbing something at the store for us to enjoy that night and I stayed at home in hopes of finding a ring for our wedding. I opened the internet and found a message that shattered my heart to pieces. I JUST KNEW right then and there that he had cheated on me.
I was in a state of shock and trauma. I was shaking and did not know what to do. I breathed and in the middle of the storm I felt some type of solitude in knowing there IS a reason why I only found out then–why all of this was happening just a few days before we got married. I had so many emotions in me and all I could do was to call out to God and ask for help. I kept asking Him what I should do as I wailed in despair.
When he returned home, in my misery I asked him to explain. I don’t want to get too much into detail; to be honest, I have a lump and my throat and feel my eyes tearing up as I type this out. But that night ended weirdly; full of laughter, actually… it was very strange.
I remember sitting on the couch with my fiance in silence as I reflected on my life and where it was headed. I heard a tiny voice telling me, “It’s going to be hard, but you CAN heal from this and it WILL be worth it….are you game?” Over and over I said in my head: WHY NOT? WHY THE FUCK NOT? Why not be the one to show it IS possible to recover and keep love strong?
We made a decision that night to stay together and work towards getting better.
Though I seemed to end that evening level-headed, the affair changed me in ways I could not imagine. My identity was disoriented. I became severely depressed, I lost the confidence I had in myself and my relationship and lived in SO MUCH confusion throughout the first year of my marriage. Trust me, there were many days where I found myself asking if I made the right choice. There were many days where I pitied myself for feeling this way as a NEWLYWED.
All this time, my new husband reminded me of our goals together. Where we were both headed and how I needed to LOVE MYSELF more than anyone else. Given the circumstance, however, it was easier said than done. I questioned my worth and even blamed myself whenever the pictures in my head would play.
It took a lot of time for me to feel slightly better. In fact, I am still on my way to full recovery. But the slight difference made a huge impact for it birthed new hope in my heart and in myself. I am now able to take hold of the power in me to choose to do better.
To focus on all the good I actually have NOW instead of the good I thought I had in the past. With the help of a supportive and contrite husband, I am able to build my NEW identity. An identity with a firm foundation: one where my worth relied NOT on the actions and feelings others have for me, but rather on myself.
I returned to helping others achieve their fitness goals and started blogging in April, which gave me an outlet of expression and a means to combat my depression. It has helped me greatly and allowed me to center my attention to something NEW. Since starting my blog, I have been excited and happy in life. I look forward to writing and sharing my posts, no matter how small the numbers on my stats are.
I am loving this new identity. This new confidence, mindset, and peace. If you are going through a similar situation, I want you to know that although it is hard right now, it DOES get better. Just keep pressing and remind yourself why you chose this road. As the old saying goes, “What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.”
In addition, I wanted to share 3 songs that greatly helped me accept what has happened and embrace the power within me to heal.
Katrina Jean Carter is a Certified Fitness Trainer, full-time housewife, and go-getter of her dreams. She has a flair for fashion and passion for the arts, and enjoys helping people feel good about themselves by encouraging and helping them live a healthy lifestyle. You can find her on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and her blog.