Identity After Infidelity

INFIDELITY (n) – “The action or state of being unfaithful to a spouse or other sexual partner.”

synonyms: unfaithfulness, adultery, disloyalty, deceit, falseness, affair, cheating.

Infidelity….it’s real and is sadly the reality of a lot of men and women. I never thought that I would experience it, but I thought then that IF I did, I would most certainly not tolerate it and would leave.

Well, that wasn’t the case when I found out, about a week before my wedding day, that the love of my life cheated on me.

I guess, looking at it from the outside, my situation wasn’t the worst of them all. He cheated on me years ago, while we were in a long distance relationship, and there was no emotional attachment with the other woman. However, this does NOT negate the hurt and the brokenness I felt and still feel to this very day.

I am choosing to write about this subject with the desire of gaining some sort of relief and maybe healing in my part. Additionally, to bring some aid and hope to those who may be going through a similar situation.

I vividly remember the moment when I found out. My husband-to-be was grabbing something at the store for us to enjoy that night and I stayed at home in hopes of finding a ring for our wedding. I opened the internet and found a message that shattered my heart to pieces. I JUST KNEW right then and there that he had cheated on me.

I was in a state of shock and trauma. I was shaking and did not know what to do. I breathed and in the middle of the storm I felt some type of solitude in knowing there IS a reason why I only found out then–why all of this was happening just a few days before we got married. I had so many emotions in me and all I could do was to call out to God and ask for help. I kept asking Him what I should do as I wailed in despair.

When he returned home, in my misery I asked him to explain. I don’t want to get too much into detail; to be honest, I have a lump and my throat and feel my eyes tearing up as I type this out. But that night ended weirdly; full of laughter, actually… it was very strange.

I remember sitting on the couch with my fiance in silence as I reflected on my life and where it was headed. I heard a tiny voice telling me, “It’s going to be hard, but you CAN heal from this and it WILL be worth it….are you game?” Over and over I said in my head:  WHY NOT?  WHY THE FUCK NOT?  Why not be the one to show it IS possible to recover and keep love strong?

We made a decision that night to stay together and work towards getting better.

Though I seemed to end that evening level-headed, the affair changed me in ways I could not imagine. My identity was disoriented. I became severely depressed, I lost the confidence I had in myself and my relationship and lived in SO MUCH confusion throughout the first year of my marriage. Trust me, there were many days where I found myself asking if I made the right choice. There were many days where I pitied myself for feeling this way as a NEWLYWED.

All this time, my new husband reminded me of our goals together. Where we were both headed and how I needed to LOVE MYSELF more than anyone else. Given the circumstance, however, it was easier said than done.  I questioned my worth and even blamed myself whenever the pictures in my head would play.

It took a lot of time for me to feel slightly better. In fact, I am still on my way to full recovery. But the slight difference made a huge impact for it birthed new hope in my heart and in myself. I am now able to take hold of the power in me to choose to do better.

To focus on all the good I actually have NOW instead of the good I thought I had in the past. With the help of a supportive and contrite husband, I am able to build my NEW identity. An identity with a firm foundation: one where my worth relied NOT on the actions and feelings others have for me, but rather on myself.

I returned to helping others achieve their fitness goals and started blogging in April, which gave me an outlet of expression and a means to combat my depression. It has helped me greatly and allowed me to center my attention to something NEW. Since starting my blog, I have been excited and happy in life. I look forward to writing and sharing my posts, no matter how small the numbers on my stats are.

I am loving this new identity. This new confidence, mindset, and peace. If you are going through a similar situation, I want you to know that although it is hard right now, it DOES get better. Just keep pressing and remind yourself why you chose this road. As the old saying goes, “What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.”

In addition, I wanted to share 3 songs that greatly helped me accept what has happened and embrace the power within me to heal.

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Katrina Jean Carter is a Certified Fitness Trainer, full-time housewife, and go-getter of her dreams. She has a flair for fashion and passion for the arts, and enjoys helping people feel good about themselves by encouraging and helping them live a healthy lifestyle. You can find her on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and her blog.

90 thoughts on “Identity After Infidelity

  1. Fantastic account Katrina as it took me back to the place when my wife cheated on me and i found out and also reminds me how far we have come. Blogging has been the best therapy and you are absolutley right… that likes do no matter it is just pure expression and release. Good luck on your journey and thank you for sharing your thoughts x

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Hi Katrina, thank you for asking. As a couple there is no us… i mantain no contact after years of emotiinal cntrolling by my wife. The us I was referring to was us as victims of betrayal. My blogs should explain but I basically had to find myself again mostly against everything I believed to be true. A whirlwind of change but worth it as I have got myself back and appreciate who I am through my eyes and not anothers x

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Katrina, so well written and articulated. Your courage and insights are excellent. I especially appreciate you dealing with the issue of “Identity”. After the “Ashley Madison scandal” I tried to think through this from an “identity” point – howbeit in a less artful way than you: https://moreenigma.wordpress.com/2015/08/31/the-scarlet-letter-and-identity/
    May you increasingly come to know who you are and whose you are.

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    1. Thank you, Shirley. Blogging has definitely helped me more than I could imagine. Each day I try to make it a habit to think of 3 things I am grateful for. It helps me find a smile even on terrible days. Much love.

      Like

  3. I am newly wed myself. I absolutely would split. I can’t be as brave as you. I think I would’ve canceled everything and search for someone who could be faithful.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. πŸ™‚ It’s certainly not for everyone. I used to put my husband on a pedestal and it shook my world finding out he isn’t perfect. Throughout the healing process I found I am not perfect either which has made it easier somehow to keep choosing love. For me, love is a choice and to love unconditionally is to be able to forgive. Of course, it would be a different story if the wrong deed is done again after being given another chance.

      Wishing you the best in your marriage. ❀

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  4. thankyou for sharing your experience with us, it made me think about a lot of things in my life. having been cheated on in the past by a spouse that didn’t make me happy it took a lot to leave and make myself a better person. i’m now happily engaged to the love of my life and working on achieving all my goals for the future.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m glad things are working out well for you. It definitely takes a lot of courage to leave when the situation is not bringing any good to your well-being (as I stated from a comment above) I admire that greatly, too… Wishing you the best in all your endeavors.

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  5. I am very sorry you went through this. I know how you felt. I am going through a similar situation myself with my husband however it is with erotic chat rooms. It feels like cheating and in a sense it is. I have chosen to stay to but it’s been so hard trying to trust him again and get through it all, most days I feel like not getting out of bed. It’s affected everything around my life including my blog. It’s so hard, I just want to get through it. Thanks for sharing your story. I might share mine if I get the courage too.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I would feel the same way as you. What you are feeling is very natural and it’s OK to feel that way. Just remember that things DO get better over time as long as we choose to do better. I had sooo many months (maybe close to a year) where I was in rage and had such a difficult time trusting my husband to the point I felt I was controlling him (maybe I was…) but what helped me, was choosing to fully trust him anyway and let go of any hold I had on him. Not fully trusting him brought destruction so I chose to give him a clean slate (but knowing I will not tolerate it again). It helped me have so much peace of mind, too.

      Feel free to message me for encouragement if you ever need it.

      KatrinaJeanCarter.wordpress.com

      You got this, love!

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Wow…head up that you wrote all this personal stuff in your blog. Its so sad what happend to you, i feel with you. One time i was in the same situation, and i gave him a second chance.l because i loved him so much. But as you wrote, i need time.. A lot of time to forgive and forget.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. You are a strong woman. Others would have turned their backs on the relationship and moved on with their lives. I respect your decision and I am happy that you are finding your identity. My first husband cheated on me and left before I could confront him about it. I did not shed a single tear. He was not good for me and the kids anyway.

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    1. 😦 I hope you are in a much better place and space now. Some situations are certainly heavier than others as I would not know what to do if I was in your place too. I’m glad that’s all in your past and does not have to dictate your future.

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  8. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I think it’s awesome that you did so you can help empower women who are going through the same thing. I never would have chosen to stay but you did and your life is better now too. Good for you!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. There comes a time when everything falls down, but yes it falls so we can pick it up and put it in the right place, as it never was at its original place.
    That depression made you be who you are, a fitness blogger.
    Hurt always makes us stronger love. ☺ So much power to you, I literally had tears reading this.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Hi Katrina

    Great post!

    The fact that your husband wanted to marry you (and not another) means that he wanted to be with you ‘until the end of love’.
    You are the object of his desires and part of his lifelong dreams.
    Without you, his life would not be complete.

    Your husband is ‘only’ a human (as we all are), and as such, he is imperfect. All men are….All women are….

    It is great that you were able to transform this (usually negative experience) into something that is part of your positive journey.

    Your husband loves YOU, and always will!

    If in doubt, just ask him…again and again. Communication is the key. So is love and respect….

    Sabina Walker
    Also a blogger, ‘Pain Matters’ (in WordPress)

    Like

  11. reading your blog is giving me a ray of light. I too have decided to stay…but the pain keeps coming. Hope it will go away with time.
    We had a love marriage.. college pals.
    2 years back i found some messages on my husband mobile and i asked him..He explained me …we decided to give us second chance ..it was painful..i would be depressed, lost confidence, he completely changed just like the earlier days and we even shifted country..However he still didnt tell me something which had happened before..that i came to know last week just by chance…This one had been physical even …And he says he was too afraid that i would leave him so had no guts to tell me. Looking at last 2 years ..i know what has gone is past .. and that it was a mistake..and that he loves me..I am still here. But deep down it pains. I wrote about it though not directly.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Dear Ruchi, I completely understand the pain that you are dealing with..
      I know the most difficult thing to come to terms with is feeling betrayed when all you did was to be loyal and give your best. Please know that wounds DO heal. It’s ok to feel to feel sad and angry about the situation and I recommend you release it whenever you feel it. Don’t keep it inside. Cry out as much as you want with the intention of release it instead of holding on. One day, you will look back and see this as just another experience to learn from. One day you will look back and not feel hurt but feel peace and awe in how far you have come. Please know that you can always message me for encouragement or support through my email (katrinajeancarter@outlook.com) or connect with me on facebook if you have. You are worthy, you are loved, you are beautiful.

      -Katrina

      Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m not going to lie, there are still days where it attacks me but when that happens, I do my best to remind myself of how far we’ve both come. Your partner will have to do their part to help you rebuild that trust but I found that we cannot rely solely on them to do so if we want to keep the relationship healthy. WE, the betrayed, must commit to forgiveness (both them and ourselves) and moving forward, constantly..

      Liked by 1 person

  12. This is a great post! Be with someone who never makes you referee choosing them. Be with the person who reminds you each and every day you made the right decision. I am glad you have found blogging as your therapy as it’s helped me as well.

    Liked by 1 person

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