My Marriage Survived Pornography Addiction

Content Warning: sexual descriptions may be triggering to some readers.

I’m going to shove this right out there now. To save you guessing, or to save you reading behind the lines.

I was addicted to porn around ten years ago.

It was like any addiction as soon as I engaged with it, the rush of endorphins filled my brain with a craziness that could only be described as an insane need for fulfillment. If I couldn’t get it on the internet I would be straight round to the video store buying my daily addiction-fill like some maniac heroin addict ready for his next spike. It was one of those things that I look back at and I’m really not proud of. You know? I don’t talk about it much either because it nearly split up Natalie and I right at the beginning.

Porn is a touchy subject. Adored by men everywhere and hated by a good few women. I’m going to try and tactfully plough through this landfill with an open mind, and with a care to whom I am speaking. Because I’ve been through the best and the worst of the situation. I have a pretty good idea of why it’s really bad. But before you angrily click away at my dismissal, stay a moment. Hear me out.

I saw my first hardcore porn movie years before I first had sex. And this is bad. This is bad for many youngsters because I expect I’m not the only one. I could remember cheekily grinning whilst myself and three other boys loaded up porn on my friend’s computer whilst the parents were out. These were the days when computers had only just advanced to playing movies on the monitor. No less than a few months had gone by before porn was readily available–and to kids like us. All four of us were virgins. We had no experience or idea of how actual sex was, or felt like. And there was this porn movie in front of us, shaping our minds of how it should be. Some muscle clad meat head aggressively pounding his insanely large chunk of flesh into a little, submissive woman.

And that’s how it is for most men. Porn is aggressive. If it ever taught me one thing, it taught me that I should be dominant, angry and nasty. And that I should have a humongous member. To say that it made me feel insecure about my manhood is an understatement.

I was raised by my mum. I had no dad to sit with me and educate me on proper love with a woman, the natural progression of things and that sex shouldn’t be scripted, manipulated or aggressive. That what we see on the screen is no reflection of what actually happens.

I wish my real dad had taken me aside (because he was no stranger to sex with women) and said, “Son, this whole porn thing? Take it with a pinch of salt. Women aren’t actually like that. They want to feel connected to you during sex.”

But he never educated me one bit on anything. Only how to drink lots and be an arsehole.

During my transition away from pornography use, I sat there and read tons of posts on forums and scholarly articles on the subject. It seems the general consensus between men is that it’s a visual aid and has no representation on any relationships or future relationships. Whilst I sort-of agree with this, they consistently fail to take into regard any of the negative sides to this. For instance:

  • 75 percent of human-trafficking is porn-related. By actively watching it, you’re supporting the trade.
  • Watching porn desensitises us to the act of sex.
  • Women are held to unnatural standards in the looks department.
  • What you’ve seen on TV just isn’t going to happen in the bedroom. Trust me.

I tend to feel one of the lucky people. I stopped watching porn because my partner despises it. In a relationship, it’s a two-way thing. It’s give and take. So when it upset her, I stopped. And I feel blessed in a way. Because since I’ve stopped it a few things have happened to me internally.

I am no longer desensitised to the female body. I see every female as a beauty in some form. I can see women for their imperfections and their perfections. And I no longer feel the need to “dominate.” My wife’s body in the bedroom is so intoxicatingly breathtaking that it excites me beyond recognition. You see, since I’m no longer desensitised to the act, I get extremely aroused. I appreciate what I have, and most importantly, I have experienced multiple simultaneous orgasms. Yep. Men can have them.

All of the above totally wouldn’t have happened if I were still watching porn, looking for the quick fix and getting excited over dominating a woman. I truly wouldn’t have found out what it would be like to truly bond in bed, to be at one with my partner. To take peace in myself that we are together for life.

That’s something porn doesn’t teach you.

Raymond Baxter is a Scotsman in England who spends his days as The Relationship Blogger and his nights as the Open Thought Vortex Team Wizard. When he’s not mixing love potions, you can find him vlogging, Tweeting and writing his way whole through deep truths and self-compassion. Read more from Raymond at his site, therelationshipblogger.com.

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I'm a man that's been through the pitfalls and elations of relationships in my ever growing quest to better my knowledge in the human condition. I've been in the game and around the Internet since 1996 and surprisingly I'm still using it today. I've definitely found myself in some weird and wonderful places and I hope to share all of this with you lucky people. I absolutely love writing about empowerment and pride myself on my ethical stance in life. I am a social-anarchist, firmly believe in community and helping others. I am branching out to the Internet to make this happen

37 thoughts on “My Marriage Survived Pornography Addiction

  1. You’re so right when you say relationships are a two-way street. If porn feels offensive or vile to your significant other, it should go. I don’t know for sure how I feel about porn. I know that sex is not something we should be ashamed of, but some porn certainly does elicit a sense of shame. I have not seen much porn, but some of what I’ve watched made me sick, left me feeling sad and dark rather than aroused.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Interesting viewpoint Rica! 🙂 – It does completely dull the senses. By that I mean if you watch a ton of porn, and say the next day you hop in bed with your SO – then it’s just another body.

      But if you don’t watch it – it’s your SO’s body, and the fantasies become real and intense between the both of you.

      But, I’m not here to judge – I can’t, being a previous addict 🙂

      Like

    2. We must first consider why God created our sex organs and for what purpose,two,we must consider also that God did not created our sex organs for show or exposure neither for public consumption but for a purpose, and reproduction. HE put it at the secret place of a man,have we ever thought of it why he did that? He did that for it to be dignify,to be adore,to be holy,to be enjoy in privacy and for intimacy and to be respected.if God want our sex organs to be seen by the public then he will put it on our face or chest,stomach so that anytime we remove our dresses anybody can see or as we are walking people will see it on our faces.May we be wise to call a spade a spade.God is watching.may God bless us all.

      Like

  2. I used to watch a fair amount of porn, but since having a daughter I have a harder and harder time separating the fantasy from the fact that I’m watching somebody else’s kid. There you have it folks, having kids even ruins porn

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Good for you…men who don’t watch porn are more present and more attentive to their partner’s needs and desires. One of my professors was Dr. Robert Jensen. His articles will reeducate most men fairly quickly about the negative effects of porn. http://robertwjensen.org/articles/by-topic/gender-sexuality-and-pornography/

    So many young men and women had questions for Jensen about how to relate more honestly with one another as friends and romantic partners. Despite this porn infused culture, many college students are fairly innocent on an emotional level, and it was encouraging to see how many of them wanted to create better unions and families in their futures.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes! I’m quite hopeful for the next generation. Because our generation is littered with people who have messed up and don’t want that for their children. Thank you for the link! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m not sure I agree. I watch porn and I quite like it. As a mature adult, I can tell the difference between fantasy and reality. It influences my real world relationships as much as Game of Thrones does.

    I understand you are sharing your personal experience, but I feel compelled to point out that not all porn is bad all the time.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Isn’t diversity amazing? I love how we are all different. This is why I didn’t include all women in my statement.

      I had a flat mate, that was a lady, that sat and watched a porn flick all the way through with me. Some enjoy it, others don’t:)

      But I’m prone to addiction and getting hooked on something I find enjoyable. So for me porn was bad. Because it was interfering with my life. That’s why I had to swap it for something more pro-active.

      And, I think as a generation (mine) men have had unlimited access to complete porn movies since childhood. And I think that’s bad. Just as bad as if you were to watch Game of Thrones as a 10-year-old boy:)

      Thanks for commenting. I do enjoy diverse opinions 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Thank you for your courage. God blesses this. I too went through this addiction and recently wrote a book to be published soon. I cannot take back all those events in my life that I wished didn’t happen, but I am thankful I serve a God who can deliver from any addiction.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. I’ve read many articles as i’m dealing with this in my marriage and the one thing you fail to mention is how it affects a male in the marriage bed..I mean you hinted at some of it, but a lot of males are showing up in doctors offices in their 20’s with Erectile Dysfunction and unable to have sex with their wives. This is sad. Porn use and masturbation messes with the body too and the mind…I wish people would stop saying “well if your wife isn’t comfortable”. What about your health? mentally and physically it’s proven to destroy you. And no self respecting woman wants to compete with porn. If they say they do, they are just freaking lying.

    I applaud your courage to write this. It’s interesting that men who become sober or off of drugs are applauded but men who kick a porn issue are shamed. So thank you for doing so.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Very interesting! Actually, you’d be correct in saying so – I very nearly went through all that, however, in respect to my wife I’d rather not take my writing down that road! 🙂

      Funny you should mention that. I’m an ex alcoholic, drug user too. I just keep learning, which is why the wife stays with me I guess 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

      1. I’m glad you are on the road to recovery and that your wife has been helping you through it. I’m trying to be like that too, but I’m finding it quite difficult honestly. Maybe I’m just too hurt to give a rip. I don’t know. Anyway, thanks for the reply!

        Like

      2. Ah, it’s all years gone by now. This all happened 6 or more years ago. I’ve been sober for more than 10 🙂 I’d fully say that I’m recovered and that my Marriage is happy.

        For you I’d say give it time and hear him out, ask him his reasons. People tend to stay with addictions so help him focus on something more positive.

        I have my writing, and my rush is all the views and comments I get, see? Everyone has their ‘things’ 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Wasn’t an overnight thing. I had to prove to her that I was committed. If I wanted to stay up later I was left with only a book to read. Mind you, I got through Dan Brown – Angels and demons and a few other non-fiction books in that time.

        She eventually trusted me enough to use the PC at night again 🙂

        Like

  7. Great that you’re able to point out your addiction and speak about it in a way that makes you human. We all have flaws and what not but it takes a big person to realize them and work at it!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. This is very interesting. I agree with you. Having two toddler boys, I’ll know a bit more about this subject in 7 yrs when my eldest hits puberty. I’ll talk to them in addition to their father. They will need the woman’s point of view too although they probably will shrivel up as I’m talking to them.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. We do! There’s quite a few of us if you know where to look. For me, I had quite an eye opener stopping porn. I learned how to increase my imagination and have pulsating multiple orgasms. Porn dilutes the sexual experience with a woman and the overall connection. I just wish more guys new the benefits! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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