An Open Letter to the Friend I Had to Quit

What do you want me to say to you? Should I let you keep posting your hurt feelings on Facebook about your son not getting invited to another child’s party, or smooth things over? You want me to let you continue to believe the lies you tell yourself about the “distance” you placed between us when the fact is I can’t be around you because you lie. What scares me are the lies you tell yourself.. That’s why I am not around you. That’s why I wrote an open letter that was intended to be a universal truth. When you read it, your reaction indicated I struck a nerve. Yet nothing changed.

You suggested in a rude bombardment of texts that I find a way to stop being a miserable person. I’m going to address that: I have a chronic illness, a serious one , yet I remain sober and clear. I’m honest about myself, including my temper. I don’t pretend my children are perfect. There are many who will back me up when I say I am the first one to call my kids out for poor behavior. I’m their mother. It’s my job.

IMG_1130

My relationship with my spouse is yet another example of my honesty. Those who know me hear the truth including the struggles. No pretending to be perfect. Just human struggle . The issue with us–you and I–is that when it comes to children, I believe that they must be raised. In order to raise them, at least one parent must be vigilant. How else can they learn?

Here’s what happened: You lashed out at me. I found that interesting because I was not the parent you should have talked to privately about this very real hurt feeling you had. You chose to instead attempt to get the answers you needed through a public post. You  attacked that parent through their child’s photo album on a social site. The album was filled with pictures of a party you felt your son should have been part of. Yes, I did speak up on the social site as well, suggesting maybe the invitation was lost. In fact, I almost missed it. But the truth is your child wasn’t invited. The worst part other parents they knew about it. Others who, like me, felt that  we would never intentionally leave out a child without giving the parent(s) a chance to work through the issues, extend the olive branch for the child’s sake–those parents knew. Yet you came after me. It was not my child’s party. In no way have I excluded or intentionally done anything  more than help you when I could.

The other parent did what was right for their child’s party as well as their family. When I heard what one of the cousins of the birthday child said about what he would have done to your child had he attended–words which I heard come from the birthday child’s mouth–I went out on a limb for your child again. The entire issue was about violence. The reason your child was left out was due to an ongoing conflict. My child stood up for yours numerous times both on the phone and the party. When the cousin of the child who had the party started saying, violent, threatening things about what they would do to your child, I didn’t let it go. I addressed it. I told the parent that it was hypocritical. We discussed it , agreed it was hostile. She discussed it with the other parent. She understood that I felt the threat made was violent, she addressed it immediately. I did not have to do that. You were aware of the situation that lead to Party mom’s choices. We couldn’t see eye to eye on this. Everyone expected you to address the incident that had Party mom afraid to invite your child. It wasn’t because of him, it was because of you. You left everyone believing the father wouldn’t be open to working with his son on the issue.

I know the dynamic is different with your life. I still had to choose if I could work with that, work with you. I ended up feeling as if I was doing the work for you. My issue with your parenting remains your “I just can’t.” Remember, I did say if you told me that again I might suggest you rip out your vocal cords.

IMG_0875

It is pivotal to understand a few things about that first open letter.  First, it wasn’t just about you. Second, it remains a universal truth. Most of it was written from my experiences in life. Third, you are not the highlight of my day. Frankly, you are the downer of my day. There is only one other person who can make me feel this awful. That person, I eliminated from my daily life as well. This is not meant to insult you. Life is different for us. I can’t imagine what your life is really like. I know what I have been told by you. Those things are enough for me to decide for myself who I should be around. Nothing against you. Things for us, over. The kids have their own relationships. They choose to foster those on their own. Same as it is for me.

Since I wasn’t the only parent who didn’t tell you about that party I must tell you again. Others knew, namely the parent who didn’t invite your child. In the end, I should have let you make your posts and let the woman you posted to take them down. She didn’t face you then or before to tell you what she told me. Most likely because it’s impossible to reason with you. Because of that choice, I was pulled into the fire. My son became physically ill from what was said about your son by the child’s cousin. The threat of violence towards his friend and your child is something my son, well, he was not willing to let go. And if she left your kid out while leaving you feeling there was an expectation her child would have an invitation–if she did that without at least giving you a heads up? Well, that also is unfair.  I wouldn’t know if you expected an invitation or if  that were true because you lie . You view things in a way that make you a victim. Again , not my party, not my business. Party mom gets to raise her kids the way she feels necessary. Her child, she’s raising him…that’s what we all should do. Your talent of hearing only what you want , while feeling only what you can handle …is astonishing.

I am not going to interfere with the friendships the children foster. They could be good for each other. As far as me, you and the other parent who had the party are concerned we aren’t going to deal with any heat. When the kids act up now it is in my husband’s capable hands. He can run point on issues when parents are involved. I will still be a part of it, still participate on the team while passing the ball to him. My family, we have chosen to ignore drama. We are setting the example to disagree but hear each other out.

STOP

In the end, “fake” isn’t me. It’s not even you. You aren’t fake. You’re just more than I can handle. Your kids are more than I can handle because of your choices.  I’m not afraid to admit it. I have said it to your face. I cared about you. I won’t lie, though I care about my family far more.

Redirect the heat you have been throwing towards me Out of all those involved, I was the only one who tried to make you feel better. That is when I lied. I lied when I said you may have missed the invitation. Your son was excluded not by me, but the other parent. The worst part is the first person you ran to talk to about me–because you blamed all of this on me–knew the truth, she chose to let you be. Can’t blame her. She’s not two faced.  Your accusation that I showed the private messages we sent to each other  is also a fabrication. If you ask anyone, I did not share it. I told one parent that I was upset and hurt, but left it at that. I asked the other parent who chose not invite your child to please own up to the fact that there was never an invitation and to leave me out of it and she did. From my understanding she more than covered the personal reasons for the choices she made for her family. I shouldn’t have lied to you. I won’t do it again–lie or intervene on your behalf.

I got caught in the middle. I have messages from several parents about this whole dust-up that I wouldn’t share with you or anyone else outside of a professional capacity, and only then because it is my story as well. It hurts me.

I think, I could stir the pot. Take screenshots of the messages between numerous parties involved and prove my integrity. You’re just not worth it. I’m far less miserable without you. Thank you for suggesting I do something I had already done.

IMG_1124

I say that without meaning to hurt you or be nasty. My health is tied directly to my stress. My life contains a great deal of stress right now. Your lifestyle feeds me triggers that affect my husband, myself and my children. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. It’s simply impossible for me to be healthy while trying to manage a relationship with you. And the truth of that is there is no give and take. Only I give, you take. So it’s me managing you. And if I am managing you, I can’t manage myself or my family. They have to come first. I am a mama under construction. I need to maintain a no drama zone.

I tried my best to be your friend, but in the end I wasn’t able to write or work out, and those are my paths to health and happiness. You’re too much. I tried to be your friend and care for myself and when that failed, I did the only other thing I could: I went silent. With you and the world. I’ve always said the silence speaks the truth. You won’t remember. You didn’t get it before. I will save my breath. Even after all I’ve said here, I know it is useless to try to reach you. However, my message has changed. You did say ” I can’t!” It was one time too many, and as a result I need to tell you to go ahead and take offense at this part since you have ignored every cue and request I’ve made for you to leave me alone–you are still a #MothderDick.

** I realize my saying “Rip Out Your Vocal Cords sounds very hypocritical. I mean it as a stop whining, I can’t hear you. Save your breathe. Make better Choices. Important to note this letter was originally a journal entry I had written to myself based on my personal experiences. In no way is it my intent for anyone to to feel attacked , hurt or judged. I had to release these feelings and thoughts in order to move forward in my life.**

ArtWork Courtesy Of Brandon Smith
“Jugular” ArtWork Courtesy Of Brandon Smith