Confessions of a Part-time #MotherDick: I, too, am an occasional douchebag

Art by Brandon Smith
Art by Brandon Smith

You might as well know now. If you watch TV or movies, listen to music or talk about books or the media –or open your mouth in general–I’m going to blast you with all kinds of information, pauses, rewinds and spoilers.

I don’t mean real spoilers–my spoilers are my incessant theories on it how I’m betting on the ending–my theories on what is going to happen or what I think motivates the character. What I think the writers were thinking. How well they used the framing and set design. I will make you hate watching tv and listening to music.

I will break it down to such a micro level that a 45 minute show turns into the longest 4 hours of your life.

If it’s a movie based on a comic expect some ComicCon geek girl, fan girl banter. I will get so into telling you about the storyline and when it was changed and how it can work or won’t work that you will want to tell me to shut up because I am a #MotherDick.

Don’t even try to make me watch a chick flick.

“Eat Your Heart Out!”
Artwork By Brandon Smith
The image is focusing on the detail of the mouth of a larger, very dramatic piece. The Heart of the piece is in the detail of the mouth.

I turn into one of two things: a raging bitch because love is nothing like some of the most popular movies; or I cry because it was touching and then resent whoever forced me to watch it.

Yeah, I know. No one can force me to do  jack squat, but I will blame someone. I will sob so hard and for so long you won’t be able to say the characters name without a ball baby fit on my end. Yes, I would be a blubbering #MotherDick. Don’t even say to me “Charlie Hunnam,a.ka.Jax Teller,” Or “Stephen Amell , a.k.a “The Arrow. ” big old blubbering Lebanese woman , get to safety

This only gets worse with music. I get therapy from music, humor, inspiration…just about everything I feel or want to express has been sung or written by Pink, Taylor Swift, Ed Sheeran, Rihanna, Katy Perry, T.I., Pitbull, Shakira, Flo Rida, Korn and Faction On Sirius, I might as well confess: Boy Bands. Ok, I’m sorry. I love Boy Bands.

My poor mom was mortified when I showed her my favorite Taylor Swift Video. Shake it off was the first one, I made her listen to the lyrics and she laughed and said, yeah you can’t dance. That wasn’t good enough, I needed her to see where my mind goes when I’m pissed at Ben and forced her to watch Blank Space. Her expression said it all : My daughter is a #MotherDick and possibly crazy.

The worst is when I’m emotional or upset with my husband. Give him a great deal of credit on this one. When I’m upset , and he’s the one who was a #MotherDick…its over. He can’t win. He might as well wear earplugs and eye patches, everything that is played or heard including shows or movies will drive home the point about how upset I am. I’m so specific a stranger could walk in and say, Damn dude! Why did you do that to her, specifically naming how he upset me. The kids are like , Dad! Why? She’s going to drown you in this if you don’t stop. At that point they have turned him into the #MotherDick, again. Satisfying me.

 

Ben calls it sympathy pimping!

Anyway, Shake it off or there will be a Blank Space!

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